This July 4th was a holiday we'd like to forget.
The previous afternoon, about 4 p.m., we had just come inside from afternoon chores to get something to drink before heading out again. Alayne and I were in the kitchen when we heard Pip, the tyke who had only arrived in mid-May, crying out from down the hallway. Pip was always a vocal little guy, but we could tell this was a distress call. We ran down the hall and found him on the floor of the laundry room, lying on the ground, head turned at an odd angle and pressed against the floor while each of his legs went out in different directions. We realized he was having a seizure.
We stayed with him until it was over, then put him on a bed in the dog room to monitor for a bit while we sat with him. We'd never seen him seizure before. Just a few weeks ago we had him checked out by our internal medicine specialist and he received a (mostly) clean bill of health, so we were alarmed by this development. Still, we've had plenty of dogs over the years who experienced the occasional seizure, never needed treatment and never had it get progressively worse. We hoped Pip would be one of those.
The seizure had really knocked him for a loop, and he was very quiet and still. We finally put him in his crate in the dog room while we went back out to finish chores. When we returned, he was sitting up looking at us, but not interested in leaving the crate.
We were having dinner around 6 p.m. when we heard Pip crying from the crate. We dashed down to the dog room and found him having another seizure. At that point our hearts sank. We knew something major had happened. I called the emergency vet clinic in Littleton, New Hampshire -- they handle the after-hours calls for our primary care vet and other clinics in the area -- and told them I was coming in with Pip. Before I could even leave, he had a third seizure. I put him on the front seat of the truck in a small crate and raced to Littleton, about 30 minutes from here.
At the clinic, bloodwork immediately told us what the problem was: his glucose was 13. The bottom end of the normal range is 70 and the top end of normal is 143. The emergency vet told me that a reading of 13 "was not compatible with sustaining life." The body runs on glucose, and without enough, things go haywire. He was surprised Pip was even alive. But what was causing the glucose to disappear from his body?
The vet gave Pip glucose via an IV, but as soon as they stopped administering it, his glucose level would plummet again. Why?
The vet worked through some differential diagnoses and one by one, ruled them out. In the end, he found that Pip had an insulinoma, or pancreatic tumor. These are very small and often impossible to see on ultrasound (not to mention on a very tiny pancreas on a very tiny dog), which is why it wouldn't have been seen during his abdominal scan a few weeks ago. (And his glucose levels were perfectly normal on his bloodwork in mid-May!) Essentially the tumor causes the pancreas to overproduce insulin, even when the glucose level in the blood is low. Pip's body in effect was gobbling up its own glucose, leaving nothing to run on. (This is the opposite of diabetes.)
I left the clinic at 9:30 that night, with Pip continuing to receive glucose injections and supportive therapy. The next morning, on July 4th, I called the clinic at 7 a.m. to find out how Pip had done. The news was not good. The vet told me that he had to continue providing Pip with glucose throughout the night to keep him alive. He said the insulinoma had probably started to interfere with Pip's glucose at some point in the past week, so the descent was gradual until it reached a critical stage and then crashed -- which is what we saw on Tuesday afternoon. Indeed, Pip had seemed his usual self right up until we found him on the floor having a seizure.
Given the advanced nature of the insulinoma, along with Pip's age and frail condition, the vet didn't think we really had any good options. He said, "I hesitate to say anything is untreatable, but this is as close to untreatable as they come." I told the vet that Alayne and I needed to talk about it some more. He was going off-duty at 8 a.m. and I told him I'd follow up with the relief vet mid-morning. About 11 a.m. I spoke with that vet, who said Pip's condition hadn't changed at all and he concurred with his colleague's assessment. He said Pip was living from glucose injection to glucose injection.
Alayne and I had already reviewed the veterinary literature on insulinomas, and found that even the Veterinary Society of Surgical Oncology said that "a surgical cure is not expected" and that 52%-100% of dogs have a recurrence within 60 days. And those are for younger, healthier dogs with insulinomas not nearly as advanced as Pip's.
We knew we were going to have to let our little guy go.
At 1 p.m. on the 4th, I made the drive back to the clinic to be with Pip, fighting tears the entire way. By the time the vet tech ushered me into an exam room, I was crying. She brought Pip in, wrapped in a towel, and handed him to me. She put a box of Kleenex on the table behind him. She knew I'd need them.
That's when I took the photo of Pip above. You know, we only had him in our lives for not much more than six weeks, but we had so fallen in love with the little character. I was overdue on a blog post about him. I was going to tell you how he'd go through a door after we opened it for him, then turn and look up and bark at us. We weren't sure if that was a "thank you for opening the door" or "let's try to open it a bit faster next time."
I was going to tell you how he surprised me several days ago by wanting to roughhouse with me -- he'd bark and run around in circles at my feet, trying to get me to play with him. (How do you roughhouse with a 3.5 lb dog?) So I'd get down on my knees and run my hands around him on the floor while he tried to avoid them, barking at me the entire time. He loved it.
And I wanted to tell you how he figured out he was tiny enough not only to get through the gates at the end of the ramps, but also the doggie gate that closes off the kitchen and keeps it a dog-free zone. But not a Pip-free zone, as he proudly found out.
In the clinic exam room I sat and held him in my arms, while he lay against my chest and settled in for a nap. He loved to be held and cuddled, and he was so relaxed and content as he lay on me. I watched his little body move up and down with every breath. We stayed like that for 15 minutes or so, until the doctor came in. He asked if I was ready. I said I was ... but of course, you never are.
Pip was gone before the vet had finished pressing the plunger on the syringe. I bent over his tiny little body and cried.
This has been a bad year for this sort of thing. Pip was the sixth animal we've lost so far -- almost one a month. Samantha, aged 14, died in her sleep in January; the same month we lost our own Libby (14) to lymphoma; in February we lost Avery to congestive heart failure; in April we lost dear old Cedar (15) to a ruptured spleen; and in May we lost our own beloved Goldie -- the queen of the minion brigade -- unexpectedly to complications from what was supposed to be routine surgery that turned out to be anything but routine. Goldie was the last of our personal dogs, the last of our "Seattle six-pack" who moved with us from Seattle to Montana way back in 2000, so that loss was particularly devastating.
Yesterday (Saturday), we had the first of our scheduled visitor days this summer, and hosted a wonderful group of people from Delaware, Rhode Island, New Hampshire and Vermont. As they were in the living room meeting some of the dogs who have taken over the the "people wing" -- Widget, Wilbur, Madison, Dexter and Holly -- I looked over and saw Pip's basket sitting there, empty. I had a lump in my throat.
Oh my goodness....tears are streaming down my face at this devastating news about your cherishest little boy...Pip. My heart truly goes out to you...such a beatiful little soul..most fortunate for you to have fund each other for the time it was to be....God Bless you all......xo
Posted by: Valerie | July 09, 2012 at 11:02 AM
I am so very sorry to hear about the passing of darling little Pip. The good thing is that he felt your love and care in the last part of his life. That is so important. I have always believed in general that feeling just a few moments of ecstasy in the lap of true love can mean you have lived. Sorry you did not have longer with this precious little creature and he with you. Thank you for all you do every day!!
Posted by: Angela | July 09, 2012 at 10:34 AM
We are never ready to say goodbye but we are thankful for the time we had with them to shower them with more love than they ever thought possible. You and Alayne did just that. May you find comfort in the other animals and knowing that so many of us care so deeply for you both and RDR.
Posted by: Carolyn Kupferschmid | July 09, 2012 at 10:27 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about Pip - I'm crying as i write this. All ours are rescues we have 5 dogs and 2 cats. We have lost 2 this past year due to old age and sickness and I can only imagine how hard it is for you guys. Take comfort in knowing that he knew he was loved just like all the animals on your farm. I'm so grateful to know you guys you give me inspiration on a daily basis.
Posted by: toni ezell | July 09, 2012 at 10:17 AM
So very sad... rip little Pip.
Posted by: Nichole | July 09, 2012 at 10:07 AM
I am so sorry. Pip had, even from afar, grabbed my heart. Thank you for giving him and your other four-footed-friends love and care.
Posted by: Roxanne | July 09, 2012 at 09:58 AM
I am so sorry you have had so much loss! But look at the ages of them, all in their teens!! You kept them happy and healthy for such a nice long life! You can feel good inside that you provided such a great, safe and happy home for each one of your animals. Nobody lives forever, but you gave such good quality to them all.
I send you both hugs from my heart to yours that the pain will lessen with time. Blessings to you all.
Posted by: Anne in FL | July 09, 2012 at 09:35 AM
I have no words, except for my deepest sympathy and thanks.
Posted by: Lindsay | July 09, 2012 at 09:31 AM
Those of us that are involved with Rolling Dog Farm (Ranch) through support in its many forms are all heavy-duty critter people. As such, each of us had had to deal with the ache of having to let a well loved animal go. One would think it would get easier through the years, yet the large lump in the chest, and the terrible heart ache that brings tears without warning are inevitable each time. May the joy of saving other fur-kids overwhelm your pain of loss, and the kindness and love you gave little Pip remain as a happy memory.
Posted by: Sylve Davis | July 09, 2012 at 08:51 AM
While there has been too much sorrow in your life this year already, know that there has also been joy in all the love you gave to these wonderful companions. Because of you they were able to have a loving home with brothers & sisters and lots of attention they might normally not ever been able to experience. Even with this post you were able to insert some humor when you wrote about Pip's reaction to your opening the door for him each time he came inside.
Posted by: Kathy Hertzel | July 09, 2012 at 08:37 AM
So sorry for the loss of little Pip, he seemed to bring you some great joy in his short stay and must have been a wonderful little guy. Stay strong and "Thank You" for doing what you do.
Posted by: BA Lubert | July 09, 2012 at 08:36 AM
My heart is breaking for you. Just reading made me cry. It doesn't take long to get attached and love an animal. Thank you both so much for giving these animals a good end of life situation. Pip is now resting and running in the green grass with his buddies.
Posted by: Dee in KY | July 09, 2012 at 08:07 AM
As I read through the tears, I can feel the love-and the heartbreak-you and Alayne have for these precious little lives you have welcomed into your family. Godspeed, sweet Pip, and God Bless Steve and Alayne. Amen.
Posted by: Mary H./Washington state | July 09, 2012 at 07:34 AM
I'm crying as I write this. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your cute little Pip. Thank you for the good work you do for these little guys.
Posted by: Coasterkim | July 09, 2012 at 07:32 AM
My heart hurts for all of yours...
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for giving Pip the best weeks of his life!
Posted by: Glenda | July 09, 2012 at 06:37 AM
so sorry for your loss..i too rescued a "healthy 8 yr old" pom who was blind in one eye and couldn't walk down the stairs in march of 2011, i came to love him like i had him for 10 yrs. our routine was me to carry him up and down the stairs at least 10 times a day then he would bark when he wanted to eat. what turned out to be a routine dental (turned out he was 13 yrs and sick) was a call from the vet telling me he had chf and kidney failure..by monday he stopped eating and drinking, vet said bring him in tues and he told me it was time. it was the hardest decision to make. his ashes still lay in his bed he got for christmas. but remember he had the best time being with you guys. he was loved and cared for something he may never have felt.
Posted by: Lynn Bisesi | July 09, 2012 at 05:47 AM
I am so very sorry for this loss that you have had to endure. The two of you have the biggest hearts there are. Remember that those animals felt love even till the very end. Thank you for doing what you do! Leann N
Posted by: Leann Nobella | July 09, 2012 at 05:36 AM
Praying for you both tonight. THANK YOU for loving Pip so much. THANK YOU for being with him till the very end. THANK YOU for making a decision that is unimaginable. And THANK YOU for allowing us to share just a little bit of your joy - and your sorrow. Pip will not be forgotten!
Posted by: Alisa | July 09, 2012 at 04:15 AM
What sad news. My heart is breaking for you at the loss of little Pip. Although you had him such a short time, it is easy to see from what you wrote how great his life was with you and how much he loved you and being at RDF. You gave him a wonderful happy life and who could ask for more!
I know it's been a rough time with the losses that you've had to endure lately, but please know that everything you all do for these wonderful animals at RDF made their lives that much better while they were with us. Bless you for all you do!
Posted by: Ann | July 09, 2012 at 03:32 AM
Steve and Alayne, my heart goes out to you, especially after having lost my little Micah last month - I'm still reeling from that and have many bouts of tears. You are not alone in your grief, and know that others come alongside you and uphold you in prayer. You are both gifts to those animals and they are blessed with every second they have to spend with you. Hugs to you from Washington.
Posted by: Leila K. - Western Wash. | July 09, 2012 at 01:01 AM
This was very sad news about tiny Pip-- such a difficult year for both of you losing so many of the RDF pack. His time was too short but from Steve's account, Pip had lots of fun knowing that he was big enough to be a tough guy and so tiny that he gave himself special privileges. You give the gift of a loving end of life to each of the dogs in your pack. A truly special gift from both you wonderful people.
Posted by: Jan in Winnipeg | July 09, 2012 at 12:39 AM
RIP sweet Pip. I love you Cedar, Smiling Sam, and Libby! I love RDF more than words can say. So, so sorry for all the losses! They are all huge! We care.
Posted by: Shirley * James/Portland, OR | July 08, 2012 at 11:35 PM
I am so terribly sorry about Pip. Little dogs, I have found, have a way of getting to your heart and making a special place there. I can't believe he only arrived in May. It seems like we've know him for much longer. As with all the dogs at Rolling Dog, he had a good home surrounded by dogs and people who cared about him and loved him. What more could he have asked for. We will miss him.
Posted by: Barbara Ribinski | July 08, 2012 at 11:18 PM
I am so sorry to hear of Pip's passing. The littlest ones always leave the biggest holes in your heart. God bless you and Alayne for loving him in his last months.
Posted by: Barb | July 08, 2012 at 10:52 PM
I am so sorry for little Pip. I'm so glad that he was in a loving home for a while at least. How in the world he was found as a stray is a wonder. He couldn't have been wandering very long with his lack of vision and being so small. Bless his tiny little heart.
I'm sorry for all your losses this year but thank you for what you do.
Posted by: Phyllis | July 08, 2012 at 10:52 PM
Am so very sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Jacq Holder | July 08, 2012 at 10:51 PM
Oh little Pip rip. I am sorry. Thank you Steve and Alayne for giving him so much love in his short life with you and he gave it back to you. Hang on to all the memories of all that have gone. It is so hard when you loose so many in a short time. In my thoughts.
Posted by: Karen | July 08, 2012 at 10:33 PM
I am so, so sorry to hear about the sudden and unexpected loss of Pip.
Posted by: Jan | July 08, 2012 at 10:31 PM
My heart is breaking for you. Thank you for loving Pip all the way to the bridge I'm sure he was barking his thanks to you on the other side.
Posted by: Diane McCornack | July 08, 2012 at 10:23 PM
There are no words at all. I am so so sorry for your loss. This sad news is bringing so many tears to my eyes. Please know all the readers of your blog love you and care about you both
Posted by: Betsy | July 08, 2012 at 10:07 PM
Pip knew he was loved. Special people take care of special friends. Thinking of you!
Posted by: Dr. Joyce Pigge | July 08, 2012 at 10:04 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I've been following your site for over 2 years now and this is what my dream is for myself. To have an animal sanctuary/shelter like yours. You and Alayne are my inspiration and I know I will just have to get my own Rolling Dog Farm running soon. I've been religiously following every single post and I think I could name the dogs when I see them. Thousands of miles away, I cry with you every single time you lose a dog and I panic during your medical dilemmas as well. My thoughts and love are always with you and your brood. Thank you.
Posted by: Account Deleted | July 08, 2012 at 10:03 PM
This is so very sad. We wish you could have had Pip with you longer. ((HUGS)) to you and Alayne at this sad time.
Posted by: Julie & the 3 doxies, Annie, Lucy and Brody | July 08, 2012 at 10:01 PM
Oh how I wish there was something to say that would make your sorrow less painful. Smilin Sam?, Cedar?, Goldie?, Libby? Avery? and now Pip?? That's a while lot of sadness~
I didn't know them except thru this blog but my heart is breaking. Thank you for letting us know.
Posted by: Lynn (in Louisiana) | July 08, 2012 at 09:53 PM