She was my girl, my first dog, my special one. Dolly died in the early hours on Saturday morning. She was 13 years old. You can read her story that I posted on the blog last summer here.
Over the past couple of weeks Dolly started getting finicky about eating ... some meals she would skip, others she would wolf down. Sometimes she would eat just a little, and the next meal she'd clean her bowl. Every now and then she'd throw up a little something ... not a lot. And then she'd seem fine for days. She had diarrhea a few times, so we'd treat her for that and it would clear up. But last Tuesday, when Alayne and I took her out for an evening walk, we watched Dolly pee in the snow and realized her urine was bright orange. Uh oh. Then, as we headed down the drive, she seemed tired and didn't want to continue. This was very unlike her. In the setting sun, the light suddenly made her look like she'd lost weight. Alayne and I looked at each other with a sinking feeling. What was going on?
On Wednesday morning I called our internal medicine specialist in Missoula, Dr. Dave Bostwick, and scheduled an appointment for Thursday morning. On Wednesday, though, Dolly seemed her usual self again, bounding out the door, tail wagging. She barked for her dinner, and ate everything in sight. Still, we knew she had to be sick.
On Thursday I nervously watched the ultrasound screen as Dave ran the probe over her abdomen, checking her organs. When the probe reached Dolly's liver, I could immediately tell something was terribly wrong. There were huge growths or nodules all over the liver. It was hard to actually discern the outline of the liver for all the growths.
I said to Dave, "That doesn't look good." He said, "It's not." Dave explained that we were seeing one of two possible things. The first was that those were tumors. The second was that the growths were actually "nodules of regeneration," in which the liver was trying to grow new parts of itself in order to deal with chronic inflammation. This would mean cirrhosis of the liver.
If those were tumors, there wasn't anything we could do because they had essentially consumed the liver already. If she had cirrhosis of the liver, we could treat her with steroids to reduce the inflammation, but she would only have months to live at the most.
I held Dolly still as Dave used the ultrasound to guide a needle into her liver to get a biopsy sample. The biopsy would tell us whether it was cancer or cirrhosis. It would take 24 hours to get the results. Dave also sent in her blood work.
I asked Dave how much time we had with Dolly. He said we might have three days ... or three months. There was no way to know. He explained that by the time you start seeing the symptoms of liver failure, it's often too late. And usually the symptoms are as vague and fleeting as what we'd seen ... some inappetance, vomiting, and diarrhea ... which can be and often are attributed to other causes.
The liver -- just like the kidneys -- can do an incredible job of compensating for various "insults." It uses up all of its reserves to deal with cancer or chronic inflammation ... and when it finally reaches the tipping point, there are no reserves left, and the liver is spent. From there it goes downhill rapidly.
How rapidly we were about to find out.
So as I headed over to Missoula Animal Control to pick up the little old blind Cocker mix, Lady, I was still trying to come to grips with Dolly's diagnosis. I had already called Alayne to let her know.
I had stopped at the Good Food Store in Missoula to pick up some groceries, and on the way back to the ranch Dolly happily ate the freshly baked oatmeal cookies I had just bought for her.
But she wouldn't eat her dinner Thursday night. On Friday morning, she wasn't interested in eating but she did drink water, and when we let her out in the morning she walked around the yard exploring like she always did. But she threw up a little on her bed later that morning. At noon she came out of my office to the kitchen to drink some more, and her tail was up. We were encouraged. But early that afternoon as I petted her, she felt warm, so I took her temperature ... and it was 103.5. Oh, no.
I called Dave, and he had me give her an injection of Baytril. By late afternoon she didn't look good ... she was lethargic, and she started drooling ... clear slimy stuff. I was wiping her mouth with tissue when I looked over and realized she had just pooped out some orange, icky stuff. Not poop at all. I couldn't even tell what it was. She looked at me with sorrowful brown eyes, and I just started crying. I knew what was happening. Alayne came in and joined me on the floor next to Dolly.
I called Dave at home, and it was about 6:20 p.m. I said, "I don't think she's going to make it through the weekend. What else can we do?" He had just received the biopsy results ... and it was a liver carcinoma. Dave told me to go ahead and give Dolly an injection of dexamethasone, a steroid, because some cancers can be temporarily responsive to steroid therapy, but he didn't hold out much hope that this would really help.
We couldn't get Dolly to eat or drink Friday night. I cooked up some spaghetti, her favorite food in the world, but she turned her head away when I brought it in to her. She lay on the bed in my office, aware of what was going on but looking very tired. Alayne and I sat there with her, and whenever I would get up to leave, she would lift her head and watch and wait for me to return. Once I did, she would put her head back down on the bed. I took the photo at the top of this post that night.
Alayne and I stayed with her until midnight. We tucked her in and kissed her goodnight, and then went to bed.
I woke up at 4 a.m. to check on her. I opened the office door and she didn't move. I bent down, put my hand on her, and I realized she was gone. Oh, my sweet beautiful Dolly. I walked back to the bedroom, woke Alayne up, and said, "She died." Alayne started to cry. She got out of bed and we both went back to my office to be with Dolly. We cried and cried as we petted her and held her ears and stroked her legs. We just couldn't believe we could lose her this fast. We were as much in shock as we were in grief. But we were just relieved that she had died at home, peacefully, in her bed.
As Saturday morning dawned, Alayne and I held ourselves together as best we could. We had a full day ahead with volunteers and groomers coming. If there was ever a day we wanted to hide under the covers, this was it. But we went about with brave faces on, trying not to let our emotions show.
We knew we had one final goodbye ahead. Jayme J., a vet tech from our Helena vet clinic, was coming out to groom, and she was going to be able to take Dolly's body back with her to the clinic for cremation. At about 4:30 p.m., Alayne and I spent a few more minutes alone with Dolly in my office, and then we wrapped her in a thick fleece blanket. I carried her out to Jayme's Tahoe and laid her in the back. Alayne and I kissed Dolly goodbye one more time, and then we held onto each other and cried as Jayme drove off.
Jayme was also taking back to the clinic the two old blind girls who had recently arrived, Duchess and Lady, who needed dentals, blood work, eye exams and other medical care. And inside the vehicle was our deaf boy, Tyler, off to a new home with Jayme's Mom (see next post.)
I wasn't thinking of this at the time ... all we could think about was Dolly. But today I realized what an interesting collection of lives were in that vehicle yesterday ... one beloved dog whose life just ended, and three dogs starting new lives.
Here's what my beautiful girl looked like back in 1998 when we lived in Seattle, a few years after we adopted her:
Goodbye, honey. We will always love you.
Dear ones ~ Having lost 6 dearest dogs who lived long lives with me, I am crying like a baby to read of Dolly's passing. But as a Catholic who believes in the infinite love of a beautiful God, I believe that every creature we have loved will be there in paradise waiting for us. Because love never dies. This faith cheers me through the temporary loss. My love, Jane
Posted by: Jane Kay Steffensen | April 10, 2008 at 08:23 PM
i cry everytime i read that one of your beloved pets has passed. it also warms my heart that caring people such as yourselves have given these animals the quality of life they all so deserve.
Posted by: lisamast | April 10, 2008 at 02:10 PM
Steve and Alayne,
I'm just catching up on old blog entries now and wanted to tell you how very, very sorry I am for your loss. May your Dolly sit at the right hand of the gods and be held safe and content until you meet again in this life or another.
Posted by: JHCook | April 09, 2008 at 05:14 PM
I sit here at a loss for words. The sadness that you must feel. A special loved one, Dolly. I send you heartfelt condolences and much love.
Posted by: Shelli Smith | April 08, 2008 at 11:21 PM
I look at my beloved Jasmine sitting here next to me, chewing her bone...I can't imagine losing her, let alone losing so many old friends in such a short time. My heart goes out to you both. While Dolly is gone from your lives, she waits for you in a place where she is in no pain, where she is happy, warm and safe, and where your love still touches her every day.
Posted by: Margaret | April 08, 2008 at 03:18 PM
I will sit in my study halls and read your blog about once or twice a week. I need to wait until I go home! Such tearjerkers ;) While I am so sorry for your losses, I am so glad to hear about all of the new lives that are starting with you. I just lost my first blind mare- sometimes your first girl is the hardest.
Posted by: Lauren | April 08, 2008 at 01:48 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss,I cry with you.The lord bless you and compfort you.
Joyce
Posted by: Joyce Rushing | April 08, 2008 at 01:08 PM
My heart felt like it was breaking when I read about Dolly's passing; your sad news reaffirms to me that we want to maximize the amount and quality of the time we spend with our loved ones, bc someday they will no longer be there when we want and need them. You did a wonderful thing for both dog and human when you took in Dolly; you transformed a naturally beautiful and sweet dog who had been mistreated into a far happier and more radiant girl than she would have been without you. Looking at the picture above, Dolly truly was a gorgeous and special girl. I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: maggie | April 08, 2008 at 12:17 AM
I am so sorry.
Posted by: Maria Rose | April 07, 2008 at 10:21 PM
I am so sorry ... huge hugz of comfort until you meet her again!
Posted by: kary | April 07, 2008 at 09:17 PM
There are no words to ease the pain from the loss of a family member. Just know that many of us readers are with you in spirit as you say your final good-bye.
Posted by: Felicity | April 07, 2008 at 08:36 PM
I am so sad about "Evil Aunt Dolly". I must remember to have tissues nearby each day when I read your blog.
She will always be your special girl. I, too, am losing my first dog, my special boy, to cancer.
I am relieved that she died peacefully at home in her bed where she found all the love she deserved. I hope my boy is as blessed. My heart is with you and Alayne.
Posted by: Leigh | April 07, 2008 at 06:52 PM
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Dolly will always be in your hearts, and surely you know that she must have cherished every day of her life after she found you two and learned to trust in your love for her.
Posted by: Helen Rietz | April 07, 2008 at 05:52 PM
I'm so sad to hear about Dolly's sudden passing. My heart goes out to you; it's been a difficult few months and I know each loss is terribly painful.
Find solice in one another and know too, that many, many people care about you; Dolly and the sweet animal souls that have passed on.
Healing hugs to you and I hope Dolly was met with as much love at the rainbow bridge as she had in her life with you.
Posted by: Boundforglory | April 07, 2008 at 05:05 PM
Please accept my heartfelt sympathy in your loss of Dolly. She was so lucky that you rescued her, even though she was "Unadoptable." She lives on in your heart.
Sending you & Alayne hugs of comfort,
ginger, Tobias & Tlingit
Posted by: ginger & Tobias (the greythound) | April 07, 2008 at 03:35 PM
I want to say farewell to beautiful Dolly and thank her for the legacy that she left behind which is Rolling Dog Ranch as she built the ranch along side you which has become a special place for her peers.
She will always be rolling dog ranch and vice-versa.
Posted by: Mehdi | April 07, 2008 at 03:09 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss. You have had more than your share of heartaches recently. My thoughts are with you both.
Posted by: Maureen | April 07, 2008 at 02:07 PM
Steve and Alayne,
My heart aches for you both. Every loss you endure is heartbreaking to read about, but reading Dolly's hit very close to home. Every dog person has that One Special Pup that means so much to us and we must cherish every day we are fortunate enough to spend together. May the memories you hold of Dolly bring you peace always.
Posted by: Lindsey and Izzy from Missoula | April 07, 2008 at 01:00 PM
Steve and Alayne, I'm so sorry. What a beautiful girl Dolly was. As another commenter said, I am so thankful for your sweet Dolly, because she really did show you the way to your true calling. She'll be watching over you two.
Posted by: Leslie | April 07, 2008 at 12:53 PM
Steve and Alayne...So sorry...
I know I said it before but believe in my heart that "I suspect that your experience with Dolly helped reinforce how truly "gifted" you and Alayne are, and was a building block in the path to the Rolling Dog Ranch! What a great debt we ALL owe Dolly. Beyond the gift of her treasured companionship every day, she helped point you to your true calling."
She is a beautiful soul with RDR as her legacy, as well as her own heaven on earth with YOU.
Posted by: Margaret | April 07, 2008 at 12:40 PM
Steve and Alayne:
My heart goes out to you both. I've shed more tears for you guys in the past few months, when you lose a critter, it reminds me of those that I've lost, and the flood starts.
God Bless Dolly.
Posted by: Debbie | April 07, 2008 at 12:28 PM
Dearest Steve and Alayne,
I'm so sorry about dear Dolly. Wish I could be there in person to hug you both.
Love,
Debbie
Posted by: Debbie Burke | April 07, 2008 at 12:20 PM
-Steve and Alyane, as I read this, I think of my little 12-pack I have here, my husband and I were just talking about how we are not looking forward to the losses we will have as some of them are all the same age. We didn't intend to end up with this many, but like you have soft hearts for the ones who need some extra care. I too, have a special one, and it brings tears to my eyes to even think about her not going to the clinic or feeding with me every day. They leave our lives too soon....
Posted by: Sabrina | April 07, 2008 at 11:26 AM
My heart is heavy with yours. I'm soooo sorry. I'm glad you'll have her ashes. I do that too. I figure when it's my turn, we'll all be scattered together. Cyber hugs to you both.
Posted by: Mircat | April 07, 2008 at 11:25 AM
I am so Sorry! You had her for so many years. I am sorry for your Loss. We will miss you Dolly!
Posted by: Lahna Zandi | April 07, 2008 at 11:08 AM
I'm so very sorry about Dolly.
Posted by: Nancy in SC | April 07, 2008 at 10:41 AM
Bless you, sweet Dolly. Like anyone who has lost a special dog, I share the sadness of your heart, Steve and Alayne.
Posted by: Linda | April 07, 2008 at 10:29 AM
How precious the memories.. Steve, you and Alayne and all the babies at RDR are loved. Thank you for Dolly's story.
Posted by: Candace | April 07, 2008 at 10:20 AM
I'm so sorry for the loss of your girl. You were her angel and she was your sweet dear angel.
Posted by: Jennifer Tranthem | April 07, 2008 at 10:06 AM
Dolly's story reminds me so much of my own Sadie's story.
Hearing Dolly had died about broke my heart. Hugs to you guys.
Posted by: megan rocker | April 07, 2008 at 09:45 AM
I agree with Sarah NZ, my boss has wondered about me more than once why I'm crying at my computer. I'm so sorry Steve and Alayne for your loss. Although we love and miss all of our animals when they die, there are some that are just closer in your heart. I'm sorry that one of those is gone now. She had a great life with you guys.
Posted by: Jen | April 07, 2008 at 09:44 AM
So sorry for your loss...thank you for all the wonderful work you do. The animals you care for are truly blessed to have been at RDR. Dolly had such a secure, peaceful passing...we can hope for the same.
Posted by: Brenda G | April 07, 2008 at 09:23 AM
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Dolly was a beautiful girl and such a part of your lives for so long. I know it is difficult every time you lose one of your animals but I can tell Dolly was very special as she was one of your first 'babies'. Not every dog has the chance to love and be loved like that and is a special gift to give each other.
Good bye Dolly.
Posted by: Tracy | April 07, 2008 at 09:18 AM
God Bless you, Steve & Alayne, so sorry about Dolly, she was a beauty. Our hearts will be with you at this time of sadness.
Posted by: Mary Young | April 07, 2008 at 08:40 AM
Please know that we are grieving with you both. You kids have had a rough patch lately! Bless you, Steve, for adopting an "unadoptable" and bringing her back to a loving, gentle home! Dolly reminds me of my sweet Tater, who came to me under similar circumstances...she was a blessing in my life. Godspeed, sweet Dolly! You have enriched our lives.
Posted by: Debbie | April 07, 2008 at 07:50 AM
Godspeed, beautiful Dolly. May you rest in peace and watch over Alayne, Steve and all the animals at RDR, knowing that you were so deeply cherished!
My heartfelt sympathies to you both, dear Steve & Alayne.
Posted by: Carla Polastro-Nigro | April 07, 2008 at 05:10 AM
You have been through far too much Alayne and Steve, and now to lose Dolly :(
The love you have given her, and she has given you is why you are all doing the job you do. And that is to give more love and care to animals less fortunate than your own.
Run Free Dolly.
My deepest and most heartfelt sympathy to you both.
Kae Norman
Rescued With Love Inc.
Australia
Posted by: Kae | April 07, 2008 at 02:43 AM
As Sarah said, "thinking of you", nothing else to add sorry I just don't think I could find the right words. :(
Posted by: Andrew, NZ | April 07, 2008 at 01:58 AM
Thank you for including the picture of Dolly in her youth. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your life on the ranch is a roller coaster full of emotions. Thank you for the noble work you two do. I love you for it.
Posted by: Shirley & James, Portland, OR | April 07, 2008 at 12:36 AM
I, too, have been sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Part of that is certainly for you guys, and for beautiful Dolly. The other part is from the memories of the beautiful dogs that have been part of our lives, in past years. One of those caught us by surprise, too, and I can still cry for him, and for others, as well.
Would you just hug each other from Bruce and Vicki?
Posted by: Vicki Small | April 07, 2008 at 12:07 AM
My heartfelt sympathies for you both. Here's a great big hug for you both (and some shared tears) from Wisconsin, and a couple of furry wet-nosed sniffs from Panda & Max, too. Dolly will have wonderful company with all the other RDR residents who have gone before her, but I know that doesn't ease your heartache now. God bless.
Posted by: Heidi & the kitties | April 06, 2008 at 11:46 PM
Steve and Alayne,Your pain is felt by all who read this blog. Please know that we will help carry the burden by sending our thoughts and prayers. Your outpouring of love for all your beatiful animals is a lesson to all of us. The cost to your heart and soul is great, but the gift you give these animals and the lessons that you teach us are priceless. We grieve with you, we cry with you and we admire you. Godspeed beautiful Dolly, may you rest in peace.
Posted by: maryr | April 06, 2008 at 10:59 PM
So sorry to hear about Dolly. Wow you guys have had a rough time. But a wonderful life you gave Dolly. She was one lucky gal. And THANK YOU for others that you are taking care of now. They are so lucky too. Hang on to the memories. They will always be there.
Posted by: Karen | April 06, 2008 at 09:50 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss but so glad that she had a wonderful life with the two of you.
Posted by: Michele | April 06, 2008 at 09:27 PM
I'm so very sorry for your loss. She was a beautiful dog - and I'm glad she found her way to you and had a good life out on the ranch.
You'll be in my thoughts.
Posted by: Karen | April 06, 2008 at 09:12 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss. Virtual hugs to you both.
Rest well, beautiful.
Posted by: yoonamaniac | April 06, 2008 at 09:07 PM
Rest in Peace, Dolly.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: amy | April 06, 2008 at 08:26 PM
Wow, you have so many ups and downs at the ranch...I would be a mess.
Posted by: SuzyQ | April 06, 2008 at 07:42 PM
Dear Steve and Alayne: I am so sorry to hear about precious Dolly's death. You gave her a wonderful home on this side of heaven. Loved the photo of her earlier days with you.
Posted by: Nina | April 06, 2008 at 06:30 PM
I am heartsick at this news.....Dolly was THE most stunning dog with a life of utter joy with you and Alayne......She was your soulmate and will always be just that, Steve............
Posted by: Bibi | April 06, 2008 at 06:23 PM