We lost our oldest boy, Dillon, yesterday afternoon. He hadn't been able to walk in months, yet his eyes still lit up and he could still catch a tossed dog cookie in the air, even lying down. He spent his days on a bed in our living room, right outside my office. That's where I took the photo of him not too long ago, in a new bed that Sue R. from Colorado kindly sent him. But in the past couple of weeks his body became stiffer and stiffer, and then he struggled to get sternal. And finally, somewhere in the past several days, the light in his eyes went out. He wasn't enjoying life any longer. He let us know.
So yesterday Alayne and I put fleece blankets on the stretcher, laid Dillon on it, and carried him out to the truck. I drove Dillon into Missoula, where our internal medicine specialist there, Dr. Dave Bostwick, helped him on his way. I held Dillon's head in my hands and cried as his life slipped away.
Oh, even a day later, this is so hard to write.
We called Dillon our "old lion" for the thick scruff of fur around his neck. He was one of our original "Seattle six-pack" of dogs that moved from Seattle to Montana with us in 2000. He had been traumatized as a puppy, and ended up in a small no-kill shelter in Shelton, Washington at the age of one. There he spent the next four years in a small outdoor pen, scared to death of people and considered 'unadoptable' by the shelter as a result.
We had adopted Dolly from the same shelter earlier. Dolly had also been traumatized from abuse and was one of their 'unadoptables' as well. A year after adopting Dolly we realized poor Dillon was still there, so Alayne and I drove back to Shelton to get him, too. Dillon turned out to be even more frightened than Dolly, and restoring his faith in people took much longer than it did for her. He came to accept us easily enough, but the sight of other people would send him fleeing. Only in recent years did he stop hiding from people, though he would still keep a safe distance.
Of all the original six dogs, Dillon was the quietest one, the most likely to remain in the shadows. He was never one to come running up to get attention and some petting. No, he would amble over in a tentative, stealthy way, very quietly ... the first you knew he was there was when you realized he was pressing his body against your leg. You'd feel this pressure, look down and there he was. This was his signal for "Okay, love me up!"
Other than love from us, the thing Dillon enjoyed most was rolling in the snow. Sadly, he was too stiff this entire winter to roll at all. But how his eyes still shined. And for some reason, all the other dogs loved to sleep with their "Uncle Dillon," as I posted here and here.
I took little blind Goldie with me yesterday to help cope on the long drive home. It seemed fitting to have her there, since Dillon was the reason we got her in the first place. I wanted her to be able to say goodbye to her Uncle Dillon.
As I write this, Goldie is asleep on his bed outside my office.
Alayne and I have already lost more animals than most people ever will ... in a bad year for us, it's probably what most people lose in a lifetime. It's the nature of doing what we do. But driving back from Missoula yesterday evening, I wondered why we seemed to grieve as much for the ones we've had for a long time -- like dear old Dillon -- as we do for the ones we've had for only a short while. I realized that for a beloved old dog like Dillon, we grieve because we loved him so much and for so long ... 12 years ... and thus a part of our life died with him. For the ones who die unexpectedly and early, I think we grieve not only for the loss but also for the time we didn't have with them. Either way, grief hurts. A lot.
This is how we'll remember our old lion ... side by side with another of our beloved seniors, Pappy, who we lost last year:
Goodbye, you sweet old boy. We love you.
hi, i'm sorta new to your website so i never have heard of Dillon, but he looks sweet, sounds sweet, and from what i heard IS sweet. you guys are the best!
Posted by: Avree | February 14, 2008 at 03:54 PM
So sorry to read about your loss.
Posted by: Robin | February 12, 2008 at 07:10 PM
so sorry about Dillon, ...good on you guys for giving him a wonderful life!
Posted by: Lisa Lashaway | February 12, 2008 at 05:07 PM
I woke up thinking about your blog this morning. I'm sad that you lost such a good friend in Dillon, I know that sort of pain myself. Yes, you lose more than most of us in a lifetime, but on the bright side, you also get to meet and care for a lot more animals than most of us will know. It doesn't matter how many... the loss of one is heartbreaking. My partner and I have "rescued" (we find them and keep them!) four horses and four dogs to whom I'll start reading your blog to. I know they'll like the stories of the other lucky animals that you fine folks care for. Thanks for doing what you do, it helps me realize what is truly important in life.
Posted by: Paul in Colorado | February 12, 2008 at 02:17 PM
Dear Steve & Alayne, my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of Dillon. Thank God you rescued him & afforded him a better life. He will treasure that memory of you and you treasure your memories of him! His loss will never be replaced. Never loose your stamina to do what you do. We love you for all that you do. May Dillon rest. Love Sue Tassoni
Posted by: sue tassoni | February 12, 2008 at 01:59 PM
oh my gosh i just logged in to the blog and am so sorry to hear that Dillon is paassed. everytime you had him on the site he looked so sweet i have a thing for older dogs and dearly love them. i know that aare no words to help with the pain. i ma just so sorry that you lost him. also the picutre of him rolling in the snow was so great.
Posted by: Harold | February 12, 2008 at 12:37 PM
I'm sorry for your loss of your dog Dillon. The pain from losing a pet is very hard for all of us who love and care for our pets deeply. I always say "it is better to know our pets for a short time, then never at all". They truly make this world a better place. I donated a kuranda bed this morning in the honor of Dillon to your ranch. I hope others will do the same because a bed can ease a dogs aches & pains as they age. God bless and keep up the wonderful work the two of you do!
Posted by: C.J. & Mia Sciacca & kids, Southern California | February 12, 2008 at 11:37 AM
Sorry to hear about your loss. It takes special people to do what you are doing. Thanks to you folks, Dillon had a great life.
Posted by: Mark | February 12, 2008 at 11:17 AM
Hi Steve,
I noticed that all the condolences you received were somehow separated from their writer. My comment on Dillon is now showing as coming from someone named Amy and my name is posting a comment from someone named LuAnne. Just an FYI to you that something went quirky here.
Take care,
Danni
Posted by: Danni | February 12, 2008 at 10:50 AM
Dillon was a good boy. His guardian angels who watched over him on Earth are now blessed by his presence in Heaven. My deepest sympathies.
Posted by: Carolyn Kupferschmid | February 12, 2008 at 09:39 AM
Hi Steve and Alayne,
We continue to be avid readers of your blog, and often laugh aloud with delight about the newest addition or latest animal adventure. This morning we send our deepest sympathy and lots of support. Know we are thinking of you all and Dillon.
Posted by: Wendy and Matt | February 12, 2008 at 05:38 AM
Dear Steve & Alayne, my most sincere condolences to you both. Know that the sadness of your loss is felt throughout our little RDR blog community. Thank you for the love you give and the care you provide to all the animals.
Posted by: Kristen D. | February 11, 2008 at 11:30 PM
very well written. so sorry to read about another loss. thinking of you all often. glenn and nicci
Posted by: Nicci | February 11, 2008 at 11:25 PM
To be so loved and gently cared for......what a gift........God speed, Dillion, and may there be daily snow falls for you to delight in, sweet, sweet boy ..
Posted by: Bibi | February 11, 2008 at 08:05 PM
Goodbye Sweet Uncle Dillon. Naptime will never be the same without you. Steve and Alayne- my heart aches for you. Thank you for all you do - the world is a better place because of your love. It was nice to see Dillon and Pappy happily side by side, I know they are together again.
Posted by: Leigh | February 11, 2008 at 07:34 PM
You are both such wonderful people. I'm truely sorry for your loss as we will all miss hearing about Dillon. Take Care.
Posted by: Carole | February 11, 2008 at 06:21 PM
I am sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Janey Loree | February 11, 2008 at 04:22 PM
Steve and Alayne,
I am sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose a friend. But thank you for all that you do,
Jennie Wiseman
Posted by: Jennie Wiseman | February 11, 2008 at 03:41 PM
Steve&Alayne-
I am so sorry about your lil lion...I can't stop crying. It's been a little over a year since my Sephir died after 14 wonderful years. Dogs like she and Dillon make our lives so much better. I can think about her now and smile. How precious the memories... Thanks again for all y'all do everyday. You two make me want to be a better person everyday
Posted by: Candace | February 11, 2008 at 03:02 PM
Steve, Alayne and "RDR",
You can see a beautiful spirit in Dillon's eyes even through the pictures. Sooooo sorry... I'm one of his fans, and particularly love the "grin" with Pappy there, his patience sharing his bed with all the others and his true magic connecting you with Goldie, and perhaps with your wonderful calling into this life's work. Bless you all.
Posted by: Margaret | February 11, 2008 at 02:57 PM
Peace to Dillon and to you. Thank you for taking him in and giving him happiness - he gave it back to you by the bucket-full and you'll get it back one day, too.
Posted by: Malinda & Ben | February 11, 2008 at 01:00 PM
My heart goes out to you both and the family. As short as it may seem, I am grateful that you all had many years together and that Dillon was able to help you begin your journey with the RDR. What a pawprint he has left in so many of us. We love you Dillon...
Posted by: Rosemary | February 11, 2008 at 12:34 PM
There is absolutely nothing any of us can say that will ease your pain. Just know we understand and are having a very big group cry right along with you. You gave Dillon love and a future when he didn't have either. He died an old man, loved, cared for, and respected and you can hardly ask for more than that. That he came to love and trust you back is a joyful memory. Doesn't matter if he didn't like anyone else. He had you two and that's all that really counted. From my heart to yours, I'm sorry. Namaste, Dillon.
Posted by: Mircat | February 11, 2008 at 11:39 AM
The special accepting love of Dillon touched so many far & wide. As many others, I sat here crying when I read this post. You & Alayne have my sympathy but know that Dillon live on in your hearts.
With hugs,
ginger, Tobias & Tlingit
Posted by: ginger & Tobias (the greythound) | February 11, 2008 at 11:09 AM
I am so sorry. I couldn't even read till the end of the post, the loss of my 13 year old German Shepherd 2 weeks ago is too fresh.
You are so right about when the light in the eyes goes. I called it her spark, she had such a spark and joy in living even when she was quite frail, but when it left I knew it was time.
Even so, man, it hurts.
Nancy
Posted by: Nancy | February 11, 2008 at 11:08 AM
Good bye, sweet Uncle Dillon. You were loved by many. When I lost one of my beloved dogs a few years ago, I received a card from one of her many vets. It contained a saying I cherish to this day: "Not gone. Just gone on ahead."
Posted by: Linda | February 11, 2008 at 10:51 AM
It's so hard to read these posts but Dillon will always be with us through the many memories.
Peace, Dillon.
Posted by: Clay | February 11, 2008 at 10:03 AM
Steve, Alayne...I am so sorry to learn of Dillon's passing. My tears have spilled over after reading this. Our animals are so special, unique and irreplaceable. My thoughts are with you. I know Dillon has met up with his animal freinds at Angels Rest; he is being taken care of and I hope has found some snow to roll in. He deserves the same delight in Heaven as he had with you.
Posted by: Boundforglory | February 11, 2008 at 10:00 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about Dillon. You're all in our thoughts.
Posted by: danielle | February 11, 2008 at 08:46 AM
I am so sorry for your loss, I as I know many have tears streaming down their faces after reading your blog today. What a lucky boy he was to be so loved and cared for for all these years.. You guys are the very best.
Rest in peace dear Dillon.
Posted by: Cathy Chambers | February 11, 2008 at 07:02 AM
It never gets easier, but we still keep bringing them into our homes & hearts even tho we know how badly it will hurt when it is their time to go. My heart aches for all who loved Dillon. Thanks so much for all you do for all these wonderful animals. You can take solace in knowing that you gave Dillon a wonderful home with plenty of snow to roll in. His life was enriched by you as much as yours was by him.
Posted by: Kathy Huffman | February 11, 2008 at 03:06 AM
Steve & Alayne
I am very sorry for your loss. I am crying with you. Love hurts a lot sometimes, but without love our lives would be unbearable. Thank you for giving Uncle Dillon 12 years of love, care and safety.
Stay strong (and warm!)
Posted by: bregda | February 11, 2008 at 02:20 AM
This breaks my heart, but I have solace in the fact that while the first part of Dillon's life was abusive and then lonely, he was so deeply loved by you both that it more than made up for it. Thank you.
Posted by: Vanessa | February 11, 2008 at 01:47 AM
It is so very very difficult to lose them when you love them so much. We had to put down my beloved golden retriever Rocky this winter, and I think about him every day and feel him with me and remember my happy puppy. I am so sorry to hear about Dillon; I am glad, though, that he knew how much he was loved until the very end. Remember his "snowy rolling" and all the other wonderful times you had...we called it "sledding" because Rocky would find a hill, roll over on his back, and wriggle down!!!! 2 good sledding dogs!
My thoughts are with you as you work through your grief in the days to come. I am so sorry about Dillon.
~maggie
Posted by: maggie | February 11, 2008 at 01:03 AM
RIP Dillon. You touched many you never met. What a legacy. We will miss you and will always be grateful that you lived a wonderful life at RDR. Steve and Alayne-you inspire me everyday. Your love for God's creatures is so deep-thank you for sharing Dillon and all the others. Peace as you grieve, find comfort in the deep love of your pets and the admiration of all whom you inspire.
Posted by: maryr | February 10, 2008 at 11:49 PM
Bruce and I know all too well the pain you are in. Thank you for having shown Dillon that some people are really good and full of love for them.
Posted by: Vicki Small | February 10, 2008 at 11:07 PM
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Alayne. This is never easy but you can be assured that you have yet another angel looking down on you both from heaven now that Dillon has crossed over the rainbow bridge.
Posted by: Kristin | February 10, 2008 at 10:53 PM
God bless you for all you do.
He will give you strength and comfort.
Memories will help a little with the sorrow.
You and Alyne are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Jan from Tacoma Anne's friend | February 10, 2008 at 10:47 PM
My thoughts and heartfelt prayers go out to you and Alayne. The price we pet owners pay for bringing these loving creatures into our hearts and homes is knowing they will not out-live us. You and Alayne have the biggest hearts I know, giving all that love, knowing what the risks are. Bless you both, and bless Dillon for all the love and caring he showed for the other animals at RDR (no dog had such a wonderful "uncle"), and he especially deserves blessings for saving another life - Goldie's. May that be the comfort that allows you to risk your hearts again for those animals in need.
Peace and care,
Heidi and the kitties
Posted by: Heidi & the kitties | February 10, 2008 at 10:29 PM
Steve and Alayne,
You have my deepest, heartfelt condolences on the loss of Dillon. May your tears allow your grief to run its course. May the act of remembering the love he gave you bring you comfort.
Posted by: Shelli Smith | February 10, 2008 at 10:25 PM
Where there is life....there is grief....so simply said, but so so hard to accept when it happens to the one who is left and who loves.
I love you Dillon.
Posted by: Cora | February 10, 2008 at 10:17 PM
There is not much I could add to those words lovely comments that have already been said.
I will however say, that when my time comes to cross the Rainbow Bridge, to find my departed friends, I'll know exactly where I am because.....on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge it could only be the Rolling Dog Ranch.
Posted by: Andrew | February 10, 2008 at 09:50 PM
I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's never easy to let them go - even when it's the only 'choice' you've got. You gave him a wonderful home and in return, you were blessed with his presence and friendship for 10 years.
You'll be in my thoughts & prayers. ...Take care, K
Posted by: Karen | February 10, 2008 at 09:44 PM
I am soooo sorry for your loss of Dillion. Uncle Dillion is over the Rainbow Bridge with my precious girl, Sandy. My sympathies to you both.
Posted by: Nina | February 10, 2008 at 08:20 PM
Dear Steve and Alayne, I am so, so sorry.
Posted by: Jamie | February 10, 2008 at 07:24 PM
I'm, like so many are, sitting here trying to type this with tears running down my face. I have been through a lots of losses with dogs and cats of my own. I want you to know you are both in my prayers and Old Uncle Dillon is up in heaven now having a good time with all of his old pals from RDR that have gone there. Remember the good times and know that you gave him the best years of his life. He couldn't have asked for a better home. Love and hugs to you both. God bless you and all the critters at RDR. I only know Smokey and Charlie, but I love them all.
Posted by: Sonya Brooks | February 10, 2008 at 07:05 PM
Steve & Alayne - I'm crying, of course. What a painful year you guys have had indeed. If we didn't love, we wouldn't hurt. You give all these animals not only a chance a life, but a purpose to life, even if that purpose is "just" to love and be loved back. I believe in an afterlife for all living things and I am sure that Dillon is joyfully rolling in snow and bouncing through endless springs and keeping an eye on you two down here. Bless you.
Posted by: Morgan | February 10, 2008 at 06:30 PM
I am so very sorry to hear about Dillon. My heart goes out to you & Alayne. I feel, through your blogs that I know you both and all the animals. Just remember that Dillon is now at the Rainbow Bridge-a dog's heaven. He is forever thankful for the wonderful like that you gave him-the one that he almost never had. Even though there will be a lot more animals in your lives, each one holds a special place-and Dillon will always have a peice of your heart.
Posted by: Kylle | February 10, 2008 at 06:20 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that he is rolling in snow again. I have to wonder about myself sometimes, I am sitting here crying about a dog I never got a chance to meet. I think that is a testament to what the two of you do and to your wonderful ability to write so that 'we' feel as if we are there too. Thank you.
Posted by: Michele | February 10, 2008 at 04:35 PM
Hi guys...
I'm sooo sooo sorry to hear about Dillon. What a beautiful dog..but he will be waiting for you...and you can all cross the rainbow bridge together. I learned of that poem when I lost my poodle of 121/2 years...and my vet sent it to me. They are part of our family..and the loss is tremendous. May God bless you both and the lucky animals that you are taking care of. I am hoping maybe this summer to get to Ovando and see you all. May God bless.
Posted by: Rosemary Furnell | February 10, 2008 at 03:06 PM