Hope did not prevail in the end. Our little blind Shepherd, the girl with the "perpetual puppy" look, died this afternoon. We made the decision to let her go gently and with dignity.
The MRI images showed that a tumor at the base of her brain had obstructed the flow of the fluid that normally bathes the spinal cord. With nowhere to go, the fluid had backed up inside her brain, creating a large reservoir and causing intercranial pressure to rise dramatically. Although the neurologists have seen this type of tumor before, they have not seen a dog in as bad a condition as Pepper. Usually the dog is showing much milder symptoms. In Pepper's case, she had somehow been able to compensate incredibly well while her brain was being flooded. Yet when her brain finally was tipped over the edge, she had nothing left to give ... which is why, even today, she had yet to come out of her coma-like condition.
Dr. Wininger explained that while it would be possible to do surgery and remove the tumor, we had only a 20% chance of her surviving the operation. Those are terrible odds but one we'd be willing to take if she could beat this thing ... but Dr. Wininger said the tumor would, in fact, come back. Even if she survived surgery and then completed a month-long radiation therapy, the tumor would still come back -- in a year at the outside. And at that point we would have no other treatment options -- a second surgery is not feasible -- and Pepper would be right back where she is today.
There are two possible types of tumor causing the obstruction -- a choroid plexus tumor or a meningioma. The first one, the choroid plexus, is the worst of the two, and after surgery and radiation it would be back within months. The meningioma is the "nicer" tumor that might allow a survival time of up to a year, but it too would still come back to kill her.
That one-year time frame is a median survival rate, so if you imagine a bell curve, a year would be at the top or center of the curve. A few survive longer and would be on the right side of the bell curve, and a few die sooner, putting them on the left side of the bell curve. In Pepper's case, given the severity of her symptoms, Dr. Wininger said she would already be starting out on the left side of the curve ... if she could survive surgery.
And that was only if it was a meningioma. It was more likely -- in fact, a 50% to 70% greater likelihood -- to be the choroid plexus tumor, meaning the survival time is measured in only a few months.
I talked through all this several times with Dr. Wininger this afternoon after reviewing the MRI images. Then I called Alayne to tell her everything I had learned. After three long, painful and tearful conversations, Alayne and I finally decided we wouldn't put Pepper through this. We don't mind the 20% chance of surviving the surgery, but then only to have the tumor come back ... we just couldn't see doing that to her.
Dr. Wininger said the surgery, intensive post-operative care, and month-long radiation therapy would have cost between $8,000 and $10,000 ... but I can tell you that the cost did not factor into the decision. Had it been a $2,000 operation, we would have reached the same conclusion. Because of the sanctuary's compassionate and generous donors, we are blessed that we don't have to make medical decisions like this based on cost -- only on what is best for the animal.
I told Dr. Wininger that we would let Pepper go. He left me alone in an exam room to cry while they went to get Pepper and wheel her in. When I saw her on the gurney, I knew we had made the right decision. She was still comatose, and more than two hours after the MRI, she still had not recovered from the anesthesia. In fact, she was unable to breathe on her own. I don't know if she knew I was there, but I stroked her face and held her paws in my hands while I cried over our little blind girl. And then I told her how sorry we were. I was still holding her paws when she slipped away.
Goodbye, Pepper. We love you, honey.
Thank you for sharing Pepper's story. My prayers are with you and Alayne everyday, especially on hard ones. Time with your animal babies never seems long enough...but y'all made it wonderful. Sweet Pepper is now 'looking' down on RDR.
Posted by: Candace | February 28, 2008 at 03:30 PM
I just now read the blogs of the last week and I am completely heartbroken. Reading all the other beautiful, touching comments makes me realize that I can't possibly say anything more profound than the expressions of sympathy that they have extended, but, all of us know that you both ALWAYS, make the Best/Right medical decisions, though sometimes with a very heavy heart, and that all of us who love and respect you immensely, grieve in heart and soul with you when you lose one of your precious, beloved animal friends. Sending you love and many hugs now. God bless her, darling girl. I am truly sorry.
Posted by: Barbara Arenal | February 27, 2008 at 06:21 PM
Somehow it was very comforting to read this because I lost my dog, Pantaloni, in mid-November. It has been hands down the most painful thing I've ever experienced...your story has made me realize that no matter how it happens, losing these angels is always devastating. I guess we just need to be grateful for the small gifts in the process and the opportunities that arise as we mourn and heal. Because of Pantaloni's passing, I now donate to your ranch quarterly. These animals continue to bless us even after they're gone. My thoughts are with you.
Posted by: Alexandra | February 26, 2008 at 06:05 PM
Steve and Alayne,
I was very sorry to read about Pepper. It was one year ago today we lost Spirit and I have been so busy I had not been able to read the blog so I went on tonight to catch up and was very upset to read what you had been going through. I know no words will help but know we are thinking of you and you are in our hearts. Blessings to you all. Glenn and Nicci
Posted by: nicci | February 25, 2008 at 12:40 AM
I am so sorry! You have been having such a rough time lately. Pepper is in a better place now. Hugs to you guys. I know it isn't easy.
You really make such a difference to these animals lives. The world is a better place with you guys in it! take care
Posted by: Sarah NZ | February 24, 2008 at 07:26 PM
It breaks my heart to read of yet another loss. Sweet Pepper will be sadly missed.
Steve, thank you for sharing all of your ups and downs with us. I have never been to RDR, but through your wonderful writing, I feel as if I am a daily visitor.
God bless you and Alayne, and all the animals in your care.
Posted by: Kristen D. | February 24, 2008 at 11:02 AM
Steve and Alayne,
I'm terribly sorry about Pepper's passing! It was selfless of you to let her go; it sounds like it was the right time and situation and your decision for HER was what was the best. It doesn't make it easier by any means. My sunken heart and tears are with you during this difficult time.
Posted by: Boundforglory | February 23, 2008 at 10:05 PM
I am so sorry for yet another loss.......I pray God's comfort for all of you there at the Ranch while you share your love with all the sweet creatures He has put in your care.
Posted by: Leila | February 23, 2008 at 09:58 PM
What a beautiful pup, so sorry to hear this. Heart-breaking news. I'm sure everything possible was done to save her.
Posted by: Rita Boatright | February 23, 2008 at 04:42 PM
The work you do is wrenching. You have the courage of your convictions.
Posted by: Linda Metzger | February 23, 2008 at 03:38 PM
I am so sorry to hear that Pepper has died. I know that she knew that you were there beside her at the end. God Bless you and Alayne for what you are doing for these precious animals.
Posted by: Janey Loree | February 23, 2008 at 12:27 PM
SO TERRIBLY SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT PEPPER. SHE WAS INCREDIBLEY LUCKY TO HATE ALL OF YOU AT THE RANCH IN HER LIFE. YOU HAVE MY DEEPEST SYMPATHY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR SPECIAL FRIEND.
Posted by: LEEZA | February 23, 2008 at 03:20 AM
I am sorry for your loss. I am planning a trip to visit you this summer and she was one of my favorites!! I really wanted to meet her. I am getting ready for a fund raiser tomorrow for the rescue group I work with and have had tears in my eyes the whole time. Thanks for everything the two of you do.
Posted by: Michele | February 23, 2008 at 12:30 AM
A little something I read today...
From a 6 year old...
"People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"
"Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Posted by: Andrew | February 22, 2008 at 11:43 PM
There are three days in your dogs life you never forget...the day you get your special dog...the day you know they are old/sick, and the day you have to say goodbye. It's so painful to let go. You've dealt with so much death lately and you get up everyday and still give 150%+ to RDR--please take care of yourselves. You did right by Pepper but at times like this those words are cold comfort. I have absolutely no doubt Pepper knew you were there with her Steve and that is beautiful. I know you’ll look back and have peace about Pepper’s passing but will miss your sweet, sweet girl. Steve and Alayne—I cry with you.
Posted by: Shirley & James, Portland, OR | February 22, 2008 at 11:35 PM
You & Alayne have my sympathy in the loss of Pepper. You did the right thing by allowing her to go to her next journey. I appreciate you staying with her, Steve, because I feel that's very important. Thank you both for all the love you give & give. I wish you both comfort during this sad & difficult time.
Sending special hugs,
Posted by: ginger & Tobias (the greythound) | February 22, 2008 at 10:50 PM
Another daily blog reader who has never posted before... Even though losing Pepper is difficult I always come back to the fact that Steve and Alayne gave her the life she deserved, she was cared for and loved. Without them Pepper would have never enjoyed her life at the Ranch. Steve and Alayne are hero's to me.
Posted by: Kurt | February 22, 2008 at 09:38 PM
Steve & Alayne, God bless you both. I was so, so sorry to hear about Pepper. She surely was a fighter. You definitely made the right decision and she knew you were with her at the end.
My Grandma was a firm believer in bad things running in three. You have had three now, Uncle Dillon, Luke & Pepper. Now some good things should happen. Of course, when any animal arrives at RDR it is a good thing. God knows what he's doing whether we understand it or not. Blessings to all at RDR, animals and humans. You give unconditional love and really that's all any one can do.
Sonya
Posted by: Sonya Brooks | February 22, 2008 at 08:37 PM
I am soooo sorry to hear about Pepper. You did the right thing in letting her go peacefully and I am sure that she knew your presence, Steve. You showed her love and kindess, something she didn't experience with her other "humans" (and I use that term loosely!) My sympathies to both of you.
Posted by: Nina | February 22, 2008 at 08:06 PM
Seems like its been a few rough weeks for you at the Ranch.
My heart goes out to you and I will keep Pepper in my thoughts.
Deepest condolences
Posted by: Shannon | February 22, 2008 at 07:42 PM
I'm so sorry for your lost. It's always heartbreaking losing a beloved dog. I am, however, glad to know that Pepper is no longer suffering and that she's in doggy heaven now....running happily through the grass in the sunshine with all her friends from RDR who have crossed over to this wonderful place.
Take care Steve & Alayne.
Posted by: Priscilla Smith | February 22, 2008 at 07:31 PM
Your web page says that Pepper was 5 when she arrived at Rolling Dog Ranch. It doesn't say when that was, or how long you had her. However long it was, Pepper knows those were the "good" years of her life, when she was happy, cared for, and loved. You gave her that. Her writeup says Pepper was a bit surprised to be hugged, but she loved it and knew she was safe at the Ranch. Rest in peace, Pepper. And peace to you too, Steve and Alayne.
Posted by: Helen Rietz | February 22, 2008 at 04:22 PM
Sweet Pepper was so blessed to be loved by you Steve and Alayne. You are my heroes. My heart breaks for the loss of another of the beautiful soul you have rescued and loved.
Posted by: Leigh | February 22, 2008 at 03:40 PM
Bless her sweet soul. My heart aches for both of you. It's never, ever easy to take that last, final action of love. But now Pepper is keeping watch over RDR from the Rainbow Bridge.
Posted by: Cathy | February 22, 2008 at 02:46 PM
I'm so sorry, Steve and Alayne...
I am glad that sweet Pepper had the time she had with you...........I hope that the love and care you gave her gives you peace
Posted by: Bibi | February 22, 2008 at 02:38 PM
There is more wisdom and grace in loving a dog than there is in understanding the universe...
The love and love of life that Pepper had at RDR were the best. My tears and heartbreak are with you. I'm holding on to images of Pepper exploring the dog compound - with her 'sometimes-up, sometimes-down ears'. I think her ears are up.
bless you all
Posted by: Jane Tunnicliff | February 22, 2008 at 01:09 PM
Steve and Alayne,
I am so sorry to hear about dear Pepper. I was dreading looking at the blog this morning, as in my heart I felt that the news would not be good.
You made the right choice for her. She has had a wonderful life with you and was loved until her last breath.
Stay strong.
Mary
Posted by: Mary | February 22, 2008 at 12:44 PM
Steve and Alayne, my heart breaks for you. I hope you'll remember the happy times to you had with Pepper in this sad time. And know that you made the right decision for this special girl. Because of you two, she could go in peace, knowing that she was loved and adored. Goodbye, sweet Pepper.
Posted by: Leslie | February 22, 2008 at 12:43 PM
I am so sorry to hear about Pepper. You and your big family have endured a lot of losses recently and each one must be so hard.
You are in our thoughts.
Posted by: Anne | February 22, 2008 at 12:37 PM
Steve and Alayne:
My heart goes out to you both on the loss of Pepper. I am sitting here in tears...for you guys and for Pepper. It has been such a rough time for you both the past few months. God has certainly blessed you both with courage and determination. We will always remember Pepper in our hearts..and you have all your memories of the good times. Let those guide you now. I had to put my precious poodle of 12 years to sleep..and its sooooo hard!! May God bless you both.
Posted by: Rosemary Furnell | February 22, 2008 at 12:06 PM
Thank you for being there with Pepper. You'll get kisses and tail wags from her again one day.
Posted by: Malinda | February 22, 2008 at 11:39 AM
Thank you for sharing this intensely difficult and personal time with all of us. Pepper's life really mattered. She was loved and died with dignity. What more can we ask for?
She is already watching over you AND the next four-legged soul out there who is in need of help and who will make their way to RDR.
Posted by: Carol | February 22, 2008 at 11:37 AM
It's just not fair that doing the right thing should feel so bad. For whatever it's worth, I think Pepper is on the other side romping with friends. Blessings.
Posted by: Mircat | February 22, 2008 at 11:36 AM
Steve and Alayne:
I was so sorry to read about Pepper, you did the right thing, she did not need to suffer any longer. As an animal lover and owner, I had to make this choice my self, and it never gets easier. Kisses to all of your critters. God Bless you and all your creatures, great and small.
Debbie
Posted by: Debbie | February 22, 2008 at 11:13 AM
I am a faithful daily reader, but have never before posted...but today just broke my heart.
I've always had a soft spot for Pepper, so have been pulling hard for her.
You guys have gone through so much loss in the past few weeks, and I am so immensely sorry.
You all are in my thoughts.
Posted by: megan rocker | February 22, 2008 at 11:11 AM
Steve - I'm sure she knew you were there, and I'm glad you let her go. The surgery, the recovery, the treatment... would have been hard on her, I think. Bless her as she crosses the bridge. And bless you for having to make such tough decisions with the love and compassion that you always have. As I said when Dillon died, Pepper is not gone, just gone on ahead.
Posted by: Linda | February 22, 2008 at 11:09 AM
When we there wasn't an afternoon follow-up report, I sensed the news wasn't good. Bless you Miss Pepper, and all you went through.
Steve/Alayne, my heart hurts so much for both of you (and your staff). You all have been through so much lately. Hang in there.
Hugs coming to ya from Texas!
Posted by: Allison | February 22, 2008 at 11:04 AM
Steve and Alayne, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of sweet Pepper. You made the right decision; she had already let go of the human world and is running and rolling in Doggie Heaven. Thank you for being so compassionate and giving her such a wonderfully loving home.
Posted by: Lindsey and Izzy from Missoula | February 22, 2008 at 10:52 AM
Oh my goodness, our hearts are breaking with you. The only comfort can be the loving care and support Pepper received from you all even until her last moment on earth. She knew you were there. Your decision, tough as it is, was indeed thorough, thoughtful, and in Pepper's best interest. SO sorry for your loss of dear Pepper.
Posted by: Margaret | February 22, 2008 at 10:50 AM
So sorry to hear about Pepper! I have an EXTRA soft spot in my heart for Shepherds!The past week I have been trying to catch a kitten that has been living in a ditch. Yesterday about about 4pm I caught him. I shall name him Pepper.
Posted by: DT | February 22, 2008 at 10:46 AM
My heart goes out to all of you at RDAS. This has been such a difficult last few months. You are all in my thoughts.
Posted by: Maureen | February 22, 2008 at 10:42 AM
I am so sorry for the loss of Pepper, as I am writing this I am crying almost uncontrollable. I admire your strength and know that Pepper knew how much she was LOVED! The loss you both have had over the past months is truly devastasting, but please know that what you do for these amazing animals.................you make their life's sweeter. I appreciate that you see that these animals can have quality of life although they may have physical ailments. My thoughts are with you both.
Posted by: Vicky Lynch | February 22, 2008 at 10:28 AM
We cry with you.
Yes, Pepper knew you were there with her. Bless her sweet soul. And, bless you both for all you do. I have never been so honored to monetarily and lovingly support an organization! You feel more like family. I hope that all of our cyber-hugs give you two the ability to carry on, knowing you've done the very best and truly make a difference in this sometimes indifferent world.
Jan
Posted by: Jan Billings | February 22, 2008 at 10:19 AM
Thank you Mark, Alayne, the volunteers and all of the supporters for giving Pepper a wonderful & full life.
Peace Pepper.
Posted by: Clay | February 22, 2008 at 10:10 AM
Dear Steve and Alayne,
I am so very, very sorry for your loss. You both have been through so much in the past months. Please know that you, Peper, and all of your furkids are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so grateful that Peper had you both to love him up like I know you did. And I am grateful too, that he is not suffering any longer.
Again, I am so very, very sorry.
Posted by: randi schmidt | February 22, 2008 at 10:05 AM
Steve & Alayne...again, my thoughts are with you both. You have really been hit hard lately with loss. Bless little Pepper's heart - she was a fighter. I'm so sorry you are going through this again. Please know healing thoughts are being sent your way. RIP Pepper.
Posted by: Sue H | February 22, 2008 at 10:01 AM
There is nothing that anyone can say that makes the heartache easier. Alayne and you are in our prayers, along with Pepper's buddies.
Chuck,Jennie, Stephanie Wiseman and Crew
Posted by: Jennie Wiseman | February 22, 2008 at 09:30 AM
Oh, no!!!You tried so hard to save her . Bless you for all you did. You and Alayne are truly remarkable!!!! Don't know where you get the strength to go on in times likes these,but you do. Thank you for your compassion and sense of dignity for ALL the four footed creatures in your care at the ranch. It is truly amazing. YOU ARE SO SPECIAL !!!!
Posted by: the Taylorson Olympic Peninsula in WA state | February 22, 2008 at 09:24 AM
Steve and Alayne, I'm so sorry for your loss. She was such a sweet dog from all of your stories and I'm sure she appreciated all you did for her. I'm so sorry you've also had such a string of sorrow recently. You are all in my thoughts.
Posted by: jen | February 22, 2008 at 09:24 AM
Steve and Alayne, I am so sorry to read about your dear Pepper. I simply cannot imagine the strength that you two have in order to go through all the heartbreak you have taking care of all the Ranch animals. You are greatly admired.
Rest in peace, sweet girl.
Posted by: Kay Stemnock | February 22, 2008 at 09:18 AM