We asked our equine vet, Dr. Bill Brown of Missoula, to come out today and put our blind horse Chance to sleep. After almost two years of battling lymphosarcoma, the time had come ... and we wanted Chance to go peacefully, quickly, and gently, surrounded by people who loved him. And that's how he died this afternoon. Alayne took this photo of me with Chance a few minutes before we let him go.
Chance had held his own through the summer -- we had done chemotherapy this past spring, hoping to keep the cancer at bay -- but by this fall he had begun showing signs that the cancer was truly getting the better of him. He really began going downhill in the past several weeks. Although he was still eating, every day he seemed to drop more weight. He began to look angular, and his ribs were beginning to stick out. (I'm just glad that Alayne's photo doesn't show you just how skinny he really was.) He was becoming listless. Bill was surprised today by how much weight Chance had lost in just the two weeks since he had last seen him.
We knew Chance was already on borrowed time. The veterinary literature says horses with lymphosarcoma typically live no more than 6 months after the initial diagnosis. Chance had survived more than 18 months so far. With the changes we were now seeing, we realized any day could be his last.
We didn't want to come out and find him dead in his stall one morning ... or down and struggling. We've been through that before. Our old blind mare Beauty, dying from chronic renal failure, went down in her stall one night. She had spent hours lying on the floor in manure and urine, alive but unable to stand. That's how we found our beloved Beauty the next morning, cold and wet and struggling to get up. I had already scheduled the vet to come out the following day to euthanize her, because I wanted to avoid exactly the situation we walked into that morning. So I was distraught to realize I was one day too late. I never wanted any of our other horses to go through what Beauty went through.
Over the past two weeks Alayne and I had wrestled with the question of "Is it time?" Every morning we'd walk out to Lena's Barn and hold our breath until we got to Chance's stall. But this week we realized he was just not himself, that he was deteriorating at a rapid clip, and that we needed to make the fateful decision.
Thus late this afternoon I cried as I clipped a lead rope to his halter for the last time. I led him out of his corral, and we trudged down the drive together and through the snow to the grave site. Bill gave him a light sedative first, then the euthanasia drug. Chance stood on his feet for a few moments -- it seemed like an eternity, but was probably no more than 5 seconds -- before dropping to his knees and then keeling over on his side in one fluid motion. And with that, Chance was gone. Bless his heart.
(Click on photo for larger image.)
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of Chance. As hard as it is, try to find comfort in the beautiful life you gave him while he was here. As you know, most blind horses never find a permanent loving home, and with you, Chance had that.
So many people waste the brief time they are given on this planet. Instead, you have connected to a greater ideal. Every day that you live you make a positive difference in this weary world, not just for Chance, but all your animals - past, present, and future. I have chosen similarly. In the end, we pay a price in our time, energy, money, and tears. We will always grieve the animal friends we have lost. Peace and comfort come in remembering we made a difference in their lives while they were here. After all, for people and animals alike, it's not about how we die, but how we live.
Posted by: Sue Straumann | January 31, 2007 at 09:34 AM
Steve & Alayna, I stumbled upon your website this morning and have spent hours reading the different stories and viewing the pictures of all the animals...I felt sad for the animals, but happy that they found their way to Rolling Dog. Also,I read your blog and must say,I am so sad to hear that you had to say goodbye to Chance. He was blessed too of had both of you and your Staff/Volunteers to give him the much love and care he desevered in this life. I have worked with animals for 35 years and have had to face the same greif and decisions too many times...There is never any EASY way to let go, but be rest assured that he is running free of pain, in the fields of Heaven....you will be greatly blessed for your work and dedication to all the animals you share your lives with....God Bless...Suzette....
Posted by: Suzette Evans | January 06, 2007 at 02:22 PM
This was so sad to hear, and yet, so wonderful to know this beautiful equine creature had such a loving home at your ranch and in your hearts. He is galloping the wide open fields of Heaven now, with the others. And he KNOWS he was loved. Sending you my deepest sympathies, and Hugs!
Posted by: Barbara Arenal | January 04, 2007 at 07:09 PM
Hi, Steve & Alayne - I just got back from Holiday to read this and it broke my heart. My love to you and everyone who gave Chance the care he so deserved. I've gone through the same loss with an old riding partner in much the same way, and not having been there physically for her passing was agonizing. But I am glad that you were able to provide Chance with happiness well before his time. It wouldn't be surprisng if this is why he held on for as long as he did! My heart to all of you - farewell, old friend - till we meet again...
Posted by: Anna | January 03, 2007 at 11:44 AM
Whew, just back to work after 11 days off. You remember how it is at Boeing; the mechanics constant playing of the old rock station loud. The Boss was wailing "like a rock, like a rock" when I read this. Had to log off and walk around a minute. It takes great courage to do what you both did, and I am proud of your work....
Posted by: Karen SA/TX | January 02, 2007 at 05:29 PM
Steve and Alayne, my condolences to you both during this sad time. I am convinced Chance lived longer than originally thought because of the love, care, and compassion you both gave him right to the very end.
Posted by: Nina | December 30, 2006 at 11:23 AM
My condolences.
Posted by: Linda Metzger | December 29, 2006 at 09:43 PM
That photo is a masterpiece, so poignant, just looking at it brings tears to my eyes and memories of a good-bye to an old dog that was so painful.
Happy New Year!
Nancy
Posted by: Nancy | December 29, 2006 at 06:54 PM
I am so sorry that Chance is gone. Just know that he's no longer in pain. He's crossed the Rainbow Bridge & is galloping freely without any problems. You gave him love & all the best of everything. You did what had to be done & that was a gift to him.
With gentle hugs,
ginger & Tobias
Posted by: ginger & Tobias (the greythound) | December 29, 2006 at 04:21 PM
I am so sorry to read about Chance. We are facing the same excruciating decision with our old, blind, and deaf dog, Dela. Thank you for giving that old blind horse the opportunity to enjoy some life then die with dignity.
Posted by: Maribeth | December 29, 2006 at 03:31 PM
I'm so sorry about Chance. But how wonderful that he was able to live out the rest of his days surrounded by the love and warmth of the ranch. Thank you so much for taking such good care of all of these wonderful animals.
Posted by: Leslie | December 29, 2006 at 02:37 PM
Dear Steve and Alayne,
I sit here with tears in my eyes as I read about how you said your goodbyes to Chance. It must be so difficult to be in a place where you must make this decision time and time again. And yet, what a unique and special place the two of you have provided for God's creatures. I am sure that I speak for others as well when I say that you are thought of often and will be blessed for all that you do. Thank you for sharing your days with us through your log entries and best wishes for the new year.
Posted by: Gabby | December 29, 2006 at 02:23 PM
What an amazing and difficult decision you and Alayne made, and made in the name of love.
Your blog readers have walked through the stories of Chance and know him, much less than you, but still feel your grief and cry for your loss.
I send you love and healing during this very difficult time.
You gave Chance a wonderful life; he now joins the other rolling dog ranch angels; he's in excellent company.
Posted by: Leilani | December 29, 2006 at 01:29 PM
Dear Steve,
I cried when I read the blog this morning. Please know that Chance knew how much you and Alayne loved him. He was a lucky guy to have the time he had with you and every one else at the RDR.
God Bless You.
Posted by: Kelsie | December 29, 2006 at 12:28 PM
Steve,
I cried when I read your blog this morning. Please know that you did the right thing and that Chance knows how much you and Alayne loved him. He was a lucky old guy as is everyone of the animals at the RDR. God Bless you.
Posted by: Kelsie | December 29, 2006 at 12:26 PM
So sorry for your loss. Chance had the best possible home with you, though, and I really enjoyed meeting him and giving him some carrots last spring. I'm sure he's doing his "buck 'n snort" routine in heaven now.
Posted by: Susan | December 29, 2006 at 11:42 AM
i am so sorry, i know chance is in heaven now , healthy and running and no longer suffering. although this doesnt ease your pain, my heart goes out to both you and alayne.
Posted by: kim | December 29, 2006 at 11:39 AM
Oh it is so hard, I know. Thinking of you all.
Nancy
Posted by: Nancy | December 29, 2006 at 11:24 AM
I cried when I read this and I wasn't even there so I KNOW you had to have been heartbroken. You gave Chance an extra year and and more medical care and love than he would have gotten anywhere else. Thank you for caring so much. My thoughts are with you.
Posted by: Miranda | December 29, 2006 at 11:19 AM
Oh, goodbye dear Chance. You'll really be missed. Thank goodness Steve and Alayne knew when the time was right to let you go. Steve and Alayne, thanks for all you did for this horse and sincere condolences at the passing of Chance.
Posted by: Roz | December 29, 2006 at 11:03 AM
I am sorry for you guys but bless you for knowing it was time. We went through a simalar situation this spring with a horse of our own. I know how hard it is to make the "right time?" decision. I also can not imagine how hard it is for you with all of the animals that you so lovingly care for. Thank you for all that you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Shannon | December 29, 2006 at 10:46 AM
God Bless You. What a tough situation to face yet a necessary one. I delayed once in putting down a dog...lesson learned for me. As my vet says "You want to leave them with some dignity" and you certainly did!
Posted by: Brenda Grasmick | December 29, 2006 at 10:40 AM
I'm sooooo sorry to read about Chance. As soon as I saw the headline I started crying. He beat the odds for awhile and had a wonderful last few years with lots of love. I will miss seeing him. You are at peace now dear Chance!!!
Posted by: Laura Whale | December 29, 2006 at 02:39 AM
I am so sad to read of Chance's passing. I am glad he went peacefully and gently. I am hoping he and Lonesome George are together again. I remember how Chance used to try to untie George when getting chemo. Thank you for all your love and the wonderful life you gave Chance.
Posted by: Leigh | December 29, 2006 at 01:49 AM
Oh Steve and Alayne, I'm so sorry. Without your dilligent, loving care, dear old Chance wouldn't have lasted this long, nor would he have had a good quality of life. It's always terribly hard to know when is the right time. After the torture you went through with Beauty, you know how vital it is to give your old friends a good death. And you did that with Chance. He went peacefully, knowing he was loved. Chance trusted you to make the right decisions in his care and you fulfilled his trust.
Sending you hugs and comfort in this sad time.
Debbie
Posted by: Debbie Burke | December 28, 2006 at 11:30 PM